It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything to this blog. This hasn’t been an accident. Today has been a particularly bad day, but overall, I’ve been feeling more normal lately. But even that, I don’t mean in an entirely good way. I feel like I’m turning back into the person I was before I ever met K. I feel like everything I’ve learned, and all the growing I’ve done, is slipping away. I feel like I’m slipping back to the point where, if I ever get into another relationship (wether with K or someone else), I will be starting “from scratch” rather than building on what I’ve gone through since meeting K. This doesn’t make me happy. But then again, I may be single for the rest of my life, which will make it all a moot point.
But anyway, none of that actually addresses why I haven’t posted in a while. So there were three different things that came together over a period of about the last two weeks, which all kept me away from this blog. First, I went away to visit family out of state for about 5 days. Getting out of town isn’t great but, its better than being here. This helped to keep me at least a little distracted. Also, I’ve been chatting online with a new, and very interesting girl from okcupid. We’re only just chatting online, but it does seem a little promising. This was a sufficient amount of distraction to make me feel less terrible. I am at a point now where I am able to BE distracted, and that being distracted is very effective at making me feel much less miserable. So thats why I was feeling a little better, and why feeling a little better made me avoid this blog. Oh and the weekend I went to see some of my family, K also happened to go home to visit her family. Knowing she’s away from her bf makes me feel a lot less anxious. I wouldn’t argue with you, if you thought this was not a healthy situation for me to be in, where I can only relax when I know they aren’t together. It’s terrible. But sadly, this is where I am.
But my little bubble has burst, and so here I am. The way my bubble burst was very strange. Normally, given a situation, you can think, ok if it goes well, it’s going to go this way, and if it goes bad, it’s going to go that way. To help keep the distraction going, I offered to help a friend set up her new computer. She’s actually an EX girlfriend but from long long ago. But she was amazingly attractive, well out of my league. So she came over and as the day progressed, the plan was for me to be so distracted just by hanging out with her, that I don’t think of my problems. The same plan you’d have, hanging out with anyone. This was a girl that, I still think of fondly, and given an opportunity, I’d likely date again, but she’s no K. I don’t write this girl 4 page love letters. I’ve never taken anti-anxiety medication to deal with life with this girl. So worst case scenario going in is, we do computer stuff and have fun and K is not on my mind. Best case scenario, we have fun, maybe a little MORE than just computer stuff happens, and even more distraction ensues. But what ended up happening was weird and not something I would have predicted. The more time I spent with this particular girl, the more it made me think of K. While my relationship with K is, in my mind, the best relationship one could ever hope for. My relationship with this other girl, I had always thought of as having been pretty good. But spending time with her, it just very strongly illustrated to me just how great K was, and just how stupid I was to kill that relationship instead of work hard and make it last forever. So once her computer was done, she left, and I was pretty sad. And it wasn’t sadness because nothing ‘naughty’ had happened. It wasn’t sadness even just because she was leaving, and I was now alone for the rest of the night. This night vividly emphasized to me, not like I needed it but, it emphasized just how great a person K really is, and how amazing our relationship was. I try not to think about things like that these days. Not that they’re any less true, but whether moving on means getting back with K some day, finding someone else, or being alone forever, dwelling on what I would easily call this biggest mistake of my life, won’t help any of those plans become a reality. But what was supposed to be a nice distraction, without any warning, turned into the exact opposite of that.
But wait, there’s more. So this internet girl that I’ve been talking to, “M”. We have a lot in common and we’ve been chatting a lot. And just that chatting, just that potential of having something that might go somewhere, can go a very long way to lifting you out of a funk. But just like she pre-warned me, “M” had a very busy week, with work, school and a halloween party. So when she told me this, I was all “no problem, i’ll talk to you next week when things slow down!” We’ve both mentioned meeting up in person many times. But the radio silence is started to wear on my. I’m starting to think this is situation that is not going to go anywhere. I know it’s generally not a good idea to pin all your hopes on one thing, on one person you haven’t even met yet. But unfortunately I tend to be that way normally. And now…
So those two things ganged up on me tonight. And between them, plus the Red Sox getting screwed over and loosing their game, and the terrible cold temperatures, that make is too cold to even get out of bed. This all game together to give me a very bad night. Bad enough, that there’s really no more downside to updating this blog.
Moving on to a more general topic, but to do so, lets get specific.
I don’t enjoy being single. I’ve never wanted to be single. So of course, no matter how hard a try, it is almost impossible for me to find a girl. Relationships for me are very few and very very far between. I’m not sure what it is about myself that tends to repel women, but that’s another discussion for another posting. The fact of the matter is that generally speaking, I manage to date one girl every ~4 years. And those relationships usually only last a few months. So the painful loneliness of most of my life is no secret to me. It’s not something that’s in the back of my mind. It’s something that’ sin the front of my mind. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I always think of how nice it would be to have someone special there with me. But that becomes a pipe dream. Years tick by, and nothing ever comes along. No matter how hard I try, I never make any progress. This is the way it’s always been. And this is where I’m confused, about my own mental state. When I was dating K, I knew without a doubt, that K was the most amazing girl I had ever dated. I would have told you that I’d likely never date anyone as good as K, ever. And yet someone, in the analysis of my situation, my brain blocked out all of the sadness and suffering, and just thought ‘eh you can find someone else’. But that’s not true. And I know that’s not true. I don’t understand what was going around in my head. I wasn’t seeing this for the rare and amazing thing that it was, my relationship with K. I just saw it as “eh its nice but doesn’t feel right and i don’t know why so it’s been a year, lets just end it”. Clearly, looking back, I can see that my thought process should have been, “a person like K, a relationship like this, is the most rare and special thing a person could ever have in his life. So rather than even thinking about ending this, I should be thinking about what I can do to nurse it back to life. What can I do to make it stronger. Even if this has no chance of lasting forever, I should do everything I can to help it last as long as possible. My only defense is pure ignorance. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’ve never been in a 1 year log relationship, never mind anything longer. I don’t know anything about taking steps and getting things more serious. And I’ve never been in a relationship with someone I was in love with before. It’s a shame I didn’t realize I was, while I still was. I’d like to think that figuring that out would have given me the power and the drive and the will, to do everything else that I should have done. So if my past is any indicator of things to come, and it has been running in a pretty reliable pattern, it will be around 2017 before I meet someone special again. This 4 year prediction sounds like nothing but the meaningless ramblings of a depressed man who just lost all confidence in relationship, and his ability to be in one. But for meaningless ramblings, they 4 year formula has been incredibly accurate at predicting the future of my love life.
Looking for a generic status update? K and I are still email pen pals. An email from her can still change my entire mood for the rest of the day. We also do some limited texting.
Here’s a stats update, written in the tone more in sync with the way I feel tonight:
K moved on months ago, her life is humming along, and I am but a distant spec in her rear view mirror. And there I am, hanging out down this dark road, doing very little besides waiting and hoping that some day, she decides to turn around and come back.
Distraction (that works) is a good thing. Because without distraction, or at least friends to talk to online (even that has been sparse lately), my honest outlook on my future is extremely bleak and painful.
It pains me to see ass holes and idiots walking down the street, all with woman by their side. Here I am, a reasonable smart, reasonably good looking guy with some interesting things in his life. Not to mention I’m a very nice guy and make a great, caring boyfriend. All alone. Forever.