Lets talk about effort. Effort was one of the great strengths of our relationship, but it turned into a great weakness. At least on my side it did.
Our first date lasted 8 hours. We sat around Davis square talking, every 5 minutes we'd check the time, and every 5 minutes, another 2 hours had passed. It was an amazing phenomenon that happened through the first two days, and possibly third. It was that amazing of a connection. We didn't have to DO anything. There's was no effort required. We'd just get together, I'd be myself, she'd be herself, and it would be amazing.
But even amazing relationships need effort if they are going to last a long time. That's my theory. I was only in one long term relationship and I never gave it any effort, so it tanked. There's a lot more to it than that of course. I mean K always meant and still means the world to me. But the actual "relationship", I just felt like whatever it was, that's what it was. It had never needed effort in the beginning, so the idea of it needing effort now, seemed like a red flag. Now, looking back, that was no red flag (indicating maybe the relationship wasn't right). It was just normal. Things don't build themselves, people get together and build things.
Looking back now, I see so many easy solutions to problems that weren't even problems. But while it was going on, I was in a situation I had never been in before. I didn't really know what it was, until it was over and I was able to look back at it.
There were other small things in the relationship that, as it progressed, certainly could have used a little effort. At the time, it was like any effort whatsoever was a harbinger of doom for the relationship. Now looking back, we just need to work at it a little. Very little. We were the match of matches. We had basically everything in common.
So to summarize why I broke up with my girlfriend:
- The relationship was old enough that it was starting to require effort. I mistook that as an indicator of a relationship that was destined for failure.
- I truly believe that my brain had love and infatuation confused. Fading infatuation felt like fading love to me.
- I'd never been in a relationship that lasted this long before. From my experience, all relationships are short. Ending this relationship seemed like it's natural conclusion.
And the opposite of that, what I've learned from all this:
- I'm an idiot. I mean, I'm actually pretty smart at a lot of interesting things. But I couldn't hold on to the best girl the universe has for me. My goal in life is to get her back, somehow.
- That warm fuzzy feeling I felt towards K is love. It's the best feeling in the world. Knowing she's always there for you. Knowing if she ever needs you, you're right there for her. Her beautiful face and smile that lights up my whole world. Her super smoking hot body :) The so many common interest that we share. Her kindness as a person, her abundance of empathy towards people, animals, inanimate objects, really the entire world around her.
- What did I want out of this relationship? I didn't really want anything out of it. We got in it, I enjoyed it, and so I stayed in it and it was good, and that was that. I didn't really have any long term goals. I hasn't been in a relationship in so long, and never one that lasted even 6 months. So these types of questions never occurred to me. Now, with everything I've been through, what would I want from a second relationship with K? Everything. I love her, I want her to fall in love with me, I want to put in every bit of effort I can muster, to make this hypothetical second relationship, one that lasts forever.
I saw a quote from Dr Suess on the internet today. Turns out he was just re-quoting. But it made me smile and think "SEE, we were in love!"
"We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love."