Monday, April 28, 2014

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me. Thus concludes my 33rd year of existence. It wasn't a great one. In fact, it was the worst by a very significant margin. Barring some terrible tragedy, the 33rd year will have been the worst I ever endure. I certainly hope there isn't a worse one than that.

When I think back on the way things were one year ago, I was so unsure of my feelings, and the path of my life. When I think about it now, the solution is so clear. I just need to build a time machine! Nothing fancy, just a magic ethernet cable that would let me send a long email back a year. That would be plenty. Of course, since I wasn't the particle physicist of the pair, I don't think this plan is feasible.


There was just a long pause between this paragraph and the previous one. I wrote that previous paragraph in a bit of a "cutesy" tone, because I gave K the link to this blog. Knowing there's a chance she'll read it, I still try to "charm" her back with me. And that, to be perfectly honest, makes me feel unbelievably pathetic. I've spend nearly a whole year now, doing nothing but thinking about her, and hoping and wondering if she's thinking about me, yet knowing she is not. I don't understand how she could not feel the same way. And I don't understand how she could not have given 'us' another chance. With all the assholes out there, treating their girlfriends like shit, and getting chance after chance after chance, and then theres me. But, I digress.

About 6 weeks or so ago, K and I started hanging out again. We hung out three times, and had great fun. But of course fun wasn't the goal, fun was the means. The goal was to get her back. That's always been the goal. And who knows, maybe if we had kept it up, some day I would have succeeded. But I just couldn't take it. So about 4 weeks ago, I sent her an email saying that I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't take the stress of the pressure, of having to always say and do just the right thing, as if I could make her smile her way back to me. And I couldn't take the anxiety of wondering every time my phone beeped, if maybe it was a message from her. And the roller coaster of feeling awesome if it was, and feeling absolutely terrible if it was not. And most painful of all, I can't take knowing she's with someone else. Knowing that special bond we had, has been replaced. And even little stuff, for example, we used to always lay in each other's laps on her couch. But now when I sit on her couch, she'll sit on a chair on the other side of the room, a safe distance away. Even though it was amazing to see her and be with her again, I just can't take the heartbreak any more. I wish I could, I wish I could take it for as long as it takes for her to change her mind. But I just can't. Shortly after I sent her this email, she responded with an acknowledgment email, and that was that. I haven't heard from her or spoken to her in any form in 21 days. (I'm not counting the days, I simply looked it up). It was in that "friendship breakup" email that I sent her the link to this blog. Which is my my instinct is still to try and speak to her, rather than to the anonymous void of internet.

I do have a birthday cake, though there are no candles on it. If there were, I would wish for...

Happiness to overcome my skepticism and somehow find it's way to me again.
And I wish it would not take it's time.
And I wish that I would be able to hold on to it this time, and not lose it.
Yet, in the meantime, I wish that my solitude would become more... bearable. I'm really in the exact same situation I was in before I met K. But it's so much harder now, knowing what I'm missing out on.