Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Universe Makes No Sense

It's about 10 degrees out. It's a lot warmer inside but it's not 'hot' in here. But I'm still sweating right now. My heart is racing and I'm almost shaking. I didn't just off an exercise bike or something like that. I'm just sitting here, 5 minutes ago perfectly calm, and now I'm falling apart. I'm actually having a hard time seeing. I don't understand how I got here. I don't understand how you can go to living a life filled with so much happiness, to living a live where that happiness is absolutely gone forever. I don't understand how I could mean so little to her, while she meant so much to me, and while I would assume, I used to mean so much to her. I feel like I don't understand anything really. Things finally started to seem like they were kind of getting back on track in my life. Despite the obvious, glaring deep hole she left. The rest of my life seemed to be doing well. I just don't understand why things had to turn out this way. I didn't know what I was doing, so I made some mistakes. But I try to be the best person I can, I feel like if anyone deserved a second chance, I did. But instead, I get nothing. I had finally found what I had been searching for my whole life, and I didn't know what to do with it. She should be marrying me, not him.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me. Thus concludes my 33rd year of existence. It wasn't a great one. In fact, it was the worst by a very significant margin. Barring some terrible tragedy, the 33rd year will have been the worst I ever endure. I certainly hope there isn't a worse one than that.

When I think back on the way things were one year ago, I was so unsure of my feelings, and the path of my life. When I think about it now, the solution is so clear. I just need to build a time machine! Nothing fancy, just a magic ethernet cable that would let me send a long email back a year. That would be plenty. Of course, since I wasn't the particle physicist of the pair, I don't think this plan is feasible.

.
.
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There was just a long pause between this paragraph and the previous one. I wrote that previous paragraph in a bit of a "cutesy" tone, because I gave K the link to this blog. Knowing there's a chance she'll read it, I still try to "charm" her back with me. And that, to be perfectly honest, makes me feel unbelievably pathetic. I've spend nearly a whole year now, doing nothing but thinking about her, and hoping and wondering if she's thinking about me, yet knowing she is not. I don't understand how she could not feel the same way. And I don't understand how she could not have given 'us' another chance. With all the assholes out there, treating their girlfriends like shit, and getting chance after chance after chance, and then theres me. But, I digress.

About 6 weeks or so ago, K and I started hanging out again. We hung out three times, and had great fun. But of course fun wasn't the goal, fun was the means. The goal was to get her back. That's always been the goal. And who knows, maybe if we had kept it up, some day I would have succeeded. But I just couldn't take it. So about 4 weeks ago, I sent her an email saying that I couldn't be her friend anymore. I couldn't take the stress of the pressure, of having to always say and do just the right thing, as if I could make her smile her way back to me. And I couldn't take the anxiety of wondering every time my phone beeped, if maybe it was a message from her. And the roller coaster of feeling awesome if it was, and feeling absolutely terrible if it was not. And most painful of all, I can't take knowing she's with someone else. Knowing that special bond we had, has been replaced. And even little stuff, for example, we used to always lay in each other's laps on her couch. But now when I sit on her couch, she'll sit on a chair on the other side of the room, a safe distance away. Even though it was amazing to see her and be with her again, I just can't take the heartbreak any more. I wish I could, I wish I could take it for as long as it takes for her to change her mind. But I just can't. Shortly after I sent her this email, she responded with an acknowledgment email, and that was that. I haven't heard from her or spoken to her in any form in 21 days. (I'm not counting the days, I simply looked it up). It was in that "friendship breakup" email that I sent her the link to this blog. Which is my my instinct is still to try and speak to her, rather than to the anonymous void of internet.

I do have a birthday cake, though there are no candles on it. If there were, I would wish for...

Happiness to overcome my skepticism and somehow find it's way to me again.
And I wish it would not take it's time.
And I wish that I would be able to hold on to it this time, and not lose it.
Yet, in the meantime, I wish that my solitude would become more... bearable. I'm really in the exact same situation I was in before I met K. But it's so much harder now, knowing what I'm missing out on.

Friday, March 7, 2014

How Things Would Be Different (the Second Time Around)

I wrote the title of this entry, and saved it as a "placeholder" draft in September 2013. It's now March 2014, and I'm just getting around to writing this. And I'd say there's a fair chance that I don't make it through. I'm not sure why I've waited SO long. I think at first, it was just too depressing to write about. Then, I started to feel like maybe K reads this blog, and maybe this post would be just enough to change her mind. This made it such an important posting, that I never felt like my head was in the right place to write it. It would have to be perfect if it was going to work. That went on for a while. Then it switched to me being, almost afraid to write it. As I have slowly started having more good days than bad, I felt like writing this article would turn a good day into a bad day. Easily solution, write it on a bad day. But of course, on bad days, I just don't feel up to it. And today, today is the day. I'm actually having a bad day, and I don't feel up to it, but I'm writing this anyway. I couldn't tell you why I feel the urge to write it today.

As far as K reading this, I don't think she actually knows of this blog. If she does read it... hi K :) I don't really think that this post is going to be a magic bunch of words that are going to suddenly, and completely change her mind, make her break up with her boyfriend and start dating me again. Not after all this time. And so, I don't have any intention of sending her a link to it. I'm pretty sure girls don't dig miserable, depressed guys. Chicks dig scars, everyone knows that. Perhaps some day, if it feels right. I'm not sure what I even mean by that. I don't know what scenario will make me feel like I should show her this blog.

One thing that's not a reason I waited to write this, was that I haven't been thinking about it. That sounded weird, what I mean is that I have been thinking about this a lot. And what I'm going to write today, is much different than what I would have wrote in September. Back then, I was thinking of more specific things I would do differently, whereas now I feel like I'm thinking more big-picturesque.

So to talk about how things would be different, I need to also talk about how I felt about things while we were together. A lot of what I say may be re-runs from older posts, but it's relevant. Before I met K, I had never been in a long term relationship. I had also never been in a relationship that felt like I was truly with the right person. I had also, sadly, started to believe that I never would find the right person. I had sort of an abstract idea of what this hypothetical "right girl" for me would be. When I finally met K, I was amazed that I was so lucky in life. I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute I spent with her. I used to drive home from her house, just grinning from ear to ear. Being in this situation, is very different than thinking about being in this situation, with just hypothetical 'perfect' girl. I never really thought of what I wanted my future to look like, in real terms. So once I got into this relationship, I didn't really have any long term goals, or expectations. I just sort of got into this relationship, and was "along for the ride". This is the biggest thing that would be different. I've been in a long term relationship, and now I know that's what I want. A second time around, I wouldn't just be going along for the ride. I would be trying really hard, to make it last, and hopefully last forever. That would be my goal, but it wouldn't just be my goal because I'm single and lonely now. K really is the perfect girl for me, and I've thought that since the day I met her. I've never had so much in common, and never connected so much with anyone in my life. And it just so happens she's also super beautiful. Being in a relationship that lasts forever, with K, would be my goal because that's what I really want. I really didn't understand it before. For example, when my oldest cousins got married, I sort of scoffed on the inside. I didn't understand why you'd want to get married, especially at that relatively young age. But now I understand. Life is short, like people always say. When you find someone that you truly connect to, you need to hold on tight.

Is it weird that I wrote that whole long paragraph and didn't mention the word love? I just noticed that, and realized that I was avoiding that word because I don't want to "scare her away". But she's not reading this. And even if she is, it's old news at this point. When you love someone so amazing, you friggin' marry them! I've talked about this at length in previous posts too, but, I really didn't understand my own feelings. I did not have a lot of relationship experience when I met K, and I had never been in love with anyone I was dating. I did think I was in love before, but even that seems silly now compared to K and I. (I as in, me, not an initial). Believe me, if there is anyone in the world that can fall in love and not realize it, it's this guy. So before I was unsure of my feelings, second time around, I would be very sure. Does this mean I'd treat her better? Well not exactly. I mean I already treated her like she was my princess. (Excluding the latter half of our relationship when I was being intentionally non romantic, but still very best-friendy because I had decided we should break up) Although looking back, even towards the middle of our relationship, I was holding back a little, because I was afraid K was going to start throwing "L" words at me, and I didn't know how to handle that. In fact, this was a quiet issue for me fairly early in the relationship. I had never held a girl in my arms, looked in her eyes, and shared an "I love you" with her. The thought of this was terrifying, so much responsibility to share words like that! What if it didn't work out? To me, the word love has no time frame. To say I love you, it so say I love you forever. Overthink things much? Yes.

All of this would be over. I wouldn't hold back. I wouldn't think of nice things to do for her, and then not do them because I didn't want to go "too far". I would quite literally just follow my heart. And I think life would be wonderful.

I would try to encourage her to talk about her feelings more, and I would try to talk about mine more. I mean we sure had no shortage of talking, about common interests, and about our days. But we both didn't really talk about our feelings so much. For me, it didn't help much that I didn't understand them. We would just lay on the couch and cuddle, but never really talk about things. I don't mean just negative stuff either. We not once had a conversation about our relationship. If it's going to last forever, you're going to need to talk about it. Make sure everything is good for both people. Fine tune if needed.

Sex! So I don't really want to get too detailed here. But there was an issue, which made it really good for her, and good yet frustrating for me. The frustration got worse, and instead of trying to work on the problem and fix it, I kind of just gave up. So we started to have less and less sex. We never really talked about sex, it was something I found very difficult to talk to her about. I'm not sure why. But per the previous paragraph this is something we should have talked about. Instead of suddenly getting shy and awkwardly waiting for the conversation topic to change. We should have worked out the problem, so it was great for both of us. Then, we could have lots of fun, regular sex. Like all the doctors say, healthy relationships need sex. It didn't seem like a very big deal at the time. However looking back, I think this sex thing played a big role in the failure of our relationship. I'd rather not get any more detailed than this.

So my friend was telling me, "when you're in a relationship, you have to do things you don't want to do to make her happy". This didn't apply exactly the way he was saying it, because I don't think he fully understood the situation, which was I decided we should break up, I tuned out of the relationship, ended it, then regret it. Before my point of regression, I did do things. We did lots of things, and many of them were things I wouldn't have done without her. (apple picking, what is with girls and apple picking anyway?). But you can always do more. Like I always joked with her that I refused to ever take her to a Christmas Tree Shop. I knew she'd absolutely love it, and me being a man, I absolutely hate it. She's never been to one because she isn't from this state, so she doesn't even know what they are. I wasn't like that about very many things at all, but still it was an attitude that I would like to change. I would like to be a 'yes' man, in the good sense. Even doing something you don't like, together, can be an experience that helps you build an ever stronger connection. And taking her to a store you hate, that she'll love... what an easy way to earn bonus points.

We didn't spend enough time together. I didn't want to spend more time with her, because I was afraid of things getting "too serious", but I didn't want to spent less time with her, because I wanted to stay with her. So we ended up, after the first few months, spending Saturdays and Wednesdays together. Which doesn't seem like much, but it was all day saturday, from whenever i woke up till whenever she fell asleep at night. And Wednesdays after work, until bedtime. So we did spend a lot of time together, but we really should have spent more. Beyond that "too serious" junk I was feeling, I also kind of felt like, we couldn't do things when we were together. Meaning, like I couldn't work on something I needed to work on when we were together, we had to treat the day like an 8 hour date. This wasn't any pressure she was putting on things, it was just this weird thing I had going on in my head. At the time, I felt like this was putting more pressure on me to spend less time with her. But now, looking back, it feels like it was the opposite. If we had spent more time together, that time would have felt less "special". But less special in a good way. I mean we spent plenty of time just hanging out doing nothing together, especially during the winter. But if we spent more time together, we could have gotten to a different better place. A place that could ultimately lead to us living together. Something that would absolutely be a goal, or tentative plan of a second relationship. Though the first time around, I didn't think I wanted that because I wasn't sure what I wanted. Her apartment lease was up while we were dating, and it never occurred to me, for us to look for a place together. It was like, our relationship was working, so don't make any changes. Plus logistically, I couldn't move in to her place, there is no parking (literally) and I own two vehicles. And I felt like I wanted to stick to my plan of buying a house and living on my own for a while before living with someone. I didn't have any particular reason I felt this, other than maybe an abundance of confidence that comes from dating an amazing, beautiful woman. And I was also very set on buying a house and fixing it up, which I don't think is something that is on K's radar right now. Of course now, with the reshuffling of my priorities, in an ideal world, we could forget about a house and get a nice condo together now (now meaning, if we were back together). There would be many an advantage to doing this. Then in a few years, if we were to get... married :) we'd have enough money between us, to buy a lot of house. Or not buy a lot of house, and have a lot of money saved. I know, I'm over-planning. I mean, in a sense this whole posting is over-planning, but especially the end of this paragraph. When I'm in my own head, I tend to over-plan like crazy.

The first summer we dated, we had only been dating a short time before my family summer vacation, so I didn't invite her to come. And the following year, we had already broken up by summer vacation, so I didn't invite her to come. She went home a few times, but I didn't go. And for other completely unrelated reasons, I didn't take a Winter vacation to Florida like I had in previous years. Now, I regret never spending a week, or even a long weekend, together doing nothing, and having fun. These aren't even expensive trips, they are very cheap per person. But there was always a reason for us not to vacation together. And my desire to keep things from getting "too serious" stopped me from finding reasons TO vacation together.

More things: I would do more little things, like visit her at work/go out to lunch on days I'm in the city, or days when work is slow and I have nothing to do. And we should have had lots more sleepovers. Which would take some work. I have trouble sleeping at her house. It's so noisy and bright. And she's a total bed hog :) I'll never forget one time I slept over her place when our sleeping schedules were perfectly lined up. We both woke up on our separate sides of the bed, and we came together, both wrapped around each other, and both fell back to sleep for another hour. But even with awesome things like that, it was still hard for me to sleep over. But I want to be able to sleep in the same bed with someone. Like probably almost all single people, almost every night I go to bed, I wish someone was there with me.

So this is, in a nutshell, how I think things would be different, if me and K tried dating again. I hope this happens, but I don't know if it ever will. She is still seeing someone, someone she's been seeing for a while now. And the likely hood of it happening... well ask me on a good day and I'll tell you it's only a matter of time, ask me on a bad day and I'll tell you it's never ever going to happen. It's been as amicable a breakup as you can get. We still talk all the time over the internet, but we've only hung out twice since it happened. People often say, if she still messages you all the time, she must still have some feelings for you. I guess I'll never really know, unless she does, and one day decides to tell me.


Before I wrap this up, I want to summarize the only important point of this entire article. If she were to read this, the most important thing I'd want her to take away from it, is that if we dated a second time, I know without any doubt, that I want to be with her. And I would work as hard as I could, and fight for our relationship, to try to make it last forever. . . And I think it would be a pretty easy fight, we made such a good pair.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Blogging... I'm Not Convinced

I'm not convinced that this blog has helped me in any way. When I told a few close friends that I was thinking about doing this, they thought it was a great idea. But is it? I mean, it's not like I can just sit here and read this blog. Maybe someday I'll be able to, but not now. I don't feel it really helps me "work things out" either. I haven't had very many comments either, so it's not like I'm in the middle of some hip blogger scene. It's more like I'm just hiding in some dark corner of bloggerville, with a blog that people just happen to run into from time to time. I can use this blog to make people cry at will, but that's about it. The only think I ever think about, is that maybe K somehow found this blog, and maybe reading everything I've written in it, well make her want to be with me again. But it's pretty unlikely that she's found this, I've been very stealthy with it. And even if she has, is it going to change her mind? I don't think there's anything in here that I haven't already said to her. Maybe it's a little more verbose here but otherwise, I don't think theres anything new. So, in conclusion, I'm not sold on the idea of blogging your way through tough times. I don't think it works.

That said, I do have one more long article in me. I've been meaning to write it for months, but I haven't gotten it done. When I'm feeling good, I don't want to write it because I don't want to ruin a rare good mood. When I'm feeling bad, I don't want to write it because it will just make me feel worse. So it doesn't get written. But stay tuned, it is coming, and it might be my last entry.

Friday, December 13, 2013

"It must be a loving friendship"

I was reading this girl's blog. I don't know her, I just happened across a link to it and started reading:

http://katiesthoughtsonstuff.blogspot.com/2013/11/down-road-with-marty.html

What she is talking about is something I had never even thought about before losing K. But what she is talking about, is exactly what happened with us. And it happened very fast, at least for me. It wasn't more than a few weeks in, that I felt like we had switched from passion, to loving friends. My lack of experience in long term relationships didn't let me recognize this as things going perfectly. I saw this as, "oh my god, something is wrong here!". I remember repeatedly thinking, "K is beautiful and kind, and more than I could have ever even thought to ask for in a girl. We connect like I've never connected with anyone in my life." I thought I was supposed to feel like I did that very first week, forever.

If only I had known then, what I know now.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

It’s Been A While . . .

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything to this blog. This hasn’t been an accident. Today has been a particularly bad day, but overall, I’ve been feeling more normal lately. But even that, I don’t mean in an entirely good way. I feel like I’m turning back into the person I was before I ever met K. I feel like everything I’ve learned, and all the growing I’ve done, is slipping away. I feel like I’m slipping back to the point where, if I ever get into another relationship (wether with K or someone else), I will be starting “from scratch” rather than building on what I’ve gone through since meeting K. This doesn’t make me happy. But then again, I may be single for the rest of my life, which will make it all a moot point.

But anyway, none of that actually addresses why I haven’t posted in a while. So there were three different things that came together over a period of about the last two weeks, which all kept me away from this blog. First, I went away to visit family out of state for about 5 days. Getting out of town isn’t great but, its better than being here. This helped to keep me at least a little distracted. Also, I’ve been chatting online with a new, and very interesting girl from okcupid. We’re only just chatting online, but it does seem a little promising. This was a sufficient amount of distraction to make me feel less terrible. I am at a point now where I am able to BE distracted, and that being distracted is very effective at making me feel much less miserable. So thats why I was feeling a little better, and why feeling a little better made me avoid this blog. Oh and the weekend I went to see some of my family, K also happened to go home to visit her family. Knowing she’s away from her bf makes me feel a lot less anxious. I wouldn’t argue with you, if you thought this was not a healthy situation for me to be in, where I can only relax when I know they aren’t together. It’s terrible. But sadly, this is where I am.

But my little bubble has burst, and so here I am. The way my bubble burst was very strange. Normally, given a situation, you can think, ok if it goes well, it’s going to go this way, and if it goes bad, it’s going to go that way. To help keep the distraction going, I offered to help a friend set up her new computer. She’s actually an EX girlfriend but from long long ago. But she was amazingly attractive, well out of my league. So she came over and as the day progressed, the plan was for me to be so distracted just by hanging out with her, that I don’t think of my problems. The same plan you’d have, hanging out with anyone. This was a girl that, I still think of fondly, and given an opportunity, I’d likely date again, but she’s no K. I don’t write this girl 4 page love letters. I’ve never taken anti-anxiety medication to deal with life with this girl. So worst case scenario going in is, we do computer stuff and have fun and K is not on my mind. Best case scenario, we have fun, maybe a little MORE than just computer stuff happens, and even more distraction ensues. But what ended up happening was weird and not something I would have predicted. The more time I spent with this particular girl, the more it made me think of K. While my relationship with K is, in my mind, the best relationship one could ever hope for. My relationship with this other girl, I had always thought of as having been pretty good. But spending time with her, it just very strongly illustrated to me just how great K was, and just how stupid I was to kill that relationship instead of work hard and make it last forever. So once her computer was done, she left, and I was pretty sad. And it wasn’t sadness because nothing ‘naughty’ had happened. It wasn’t sadness even just because she was leaving, and I was now alone for the rest of the night. This night vividly emphasized to me, not like I needed it but, it emphasized just how great a person K really is, and how amazing our relationship was. I try not to think about things like that these days. Not that they’re any less true, but whether moving on means getting back with K some day, finding someone else, or being alone forever, dwelling on what I would easily call this biggest mistake of my life, won’t help any of those plans become a reality. But what was supposed to be a nice distraction, without any warning, turned into the exact opposite of that. 

But wait, there’s more. So this internet girl that I’ve been talking to, “M”. We have a lot in common and we’ve been chatting a lot. And just that chatting, just that potential of having something that might go somewhere, can go a very long way to lifting you out of a funk. But just like she pre-warned me, “M” had a very busy week, with work, school and a halloween party. So when she told me this, I was all “no problem, i’ll talk to you next week when things slow down!” We’ve both mentioned meeting up in person many times. But the radio silence is started to wear on my. I’m starting to think this is situation that is not going to go anywhere. I know it’s generally not a good idea to pin all your hopes on one thing, on one person you haven’t even met yet. But unfortunately I tend to be that way normally. And now…

So those two things ganged up on me tonight. And between them, plus the Red Sox getting screwed over and loosing their game, and the terrible cold temperatures, that make is too cold to even get out of bed. This all game together to give me a very bad night. Bad enough, that there’s really no more downside to updating this blog. 

Moving on to a more general topic, but to do so, lets get specific. 
I don’t enjoy being single. I’ve never wanted to be single. So of course, no matter how hard a try, it is almost impossible for me to find a girl. Relationships for me are very few and very very far between. I’m not sure what it is about myself that tends to repel women, but that’s another discussion for another posting. The fact of the matter is that generally speaking, I manage to date one girl every ~4 years. And those relationships usually only last a few months. So the painful loneliness of most of my life is no secret to me. It’s not something that’s in the back of my mind. It’s something that’ sin the front of my mind. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I always think of how nice it would be to have someone special there with me. But that becomes a pipe dream. Years tick by, and nothing ever comes along. No matter how hard I try, I never make any progress. This is the way it’s always been. And this is where I’m confused, about my own mental state. When I was dating K, I knew without a doubt, that K was the most amazing girl I had ever dated. I would have told you that I’d likely never date anyone as good as K, ever. And yet someone, in the analysis of my situation, my brain blocked out all of the sadness and suffering, and just thought ‘eh you can find someone else’. But that’s not true. And I know that’s not true. I don’t understand what was going around in my head. I wasn’t seeing this for the rare and amazing thing that it was, my relationship with K. I just saw it as “eh its nice but doesn’t feel right and i don’t know why so it’s been a year, lets just end it”. Clearly, looking back, I can see that my thought process should have been, “a person like K, a relationship like this, is the most rare and special thing a person could ever have in his life. So rather than even thinking about ending this, I should be thinking about what I can do to nurse it back to life. What can I do to make it stronger. Even if this has no chance of lasting forever, I should do everything I can to help it last as long as possible. My only defense is pure ignorance. I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’ve never been in a 1 year log relationship, never mind anything longer. I don’t know anything about taking steps and getting things more serious. And I’ve never been in a relationship with someone I was in love with before. It’s a shame I didn’t realize I was, while I still was. I’d like to think that figuring that out would have given me the power and the drive and the will, to do everything else that I should have done. So if my past is any indicator of things to come, and it has been running in a pretty reliable pattern, it will be around 2017 before I meet someone special again. This 4 year prediction sounds like nothing but the meaningless ramblings of a depressed man who just lost all confidence in relationship, and his ability to be in one. But for meaningless ramblings, they 4 year formula has been incredibly accurate at predicting the future of my love life. 

Looking for a generic status update? K and I are still email pen pals. An email from her can still change my entire mood for the rest of the day. We also do some limited texting.
Here’s a stats update, written in the tone more in sync with the way I feel tonight:
K moved on months ago, her life is humming along, and I am but a distant spec in her rear view mirror. And there I am, hanging out down this dark road, doing very little besides waiting and hoping that some day, she decides to turn around and come back. 

Distraction (that works) is a good thing. Because without distraction, or at least friends to talk to online (even that has been sparse lately), my honest outlook on my future is extremely bleak and painful. 


It pains me to see ass holes and idiots walking down the street, all with woman by their side. Here I am, a reasonable smart, reasonably good looking guy with some interesting things in his life. Not to mention I’m a very nice guy and make a great, caring boyfriend. All alone. Forever.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Status Update

Regarding my last status update, I was wrong. She told me I was reading too much into things, and that she only wants me as a friend.  I told her I wish I could change her mind. Then she said she wished she could change mine.  That last part hurts more than anything anyone has ever said to me.