An Introduction

I'm J. I met K on an online dating website. We instantly hit it off. Shortly thereafter we met in person, and instantly hit it off. Before you know it, we were a couple. It was truly amazing. This girl was everything I could ever have asked for, plus so much more than I could have ever known to want. She instantly changed my life for the better. And I'd like to think I added a lot to her life too.

I have never had a relationship last beyond 3 months. This one effortlessly sailed past 3, and on to 6. This was a personal goal I had, that my next relationship should last 6 months. Even if it felt like it should end earlier, I should stick it out for at least 6 months. But I wasn't "sticking out" this relationship, it was amazing. I never have a personal connection with anyone in my life, like I had with K. She would smile and light up my soul.

The second 6 months of our relationship didn't go so well. I started to feel like something was missing, even though I didn't know what it was. I started to feel like I must not really be in love, because I don't feel like you're "supposed" to feel. I started to think that, if this was all true, then I should probably break up with K. Every time K saw me, her eyes would light up, like I was making her whole day just by walking in the door. So I started acting more and more standoffish. But only romantically. I was still kind and attentive, we still did things together. But I felt like I was being a dick when we had sex, knowing I was going to end it. So the sex all but dried up (pun).

This was a slow process of what I see now as sabotage, that lasted months. The idea of breaking up with her got a life of it's own. It became this huge burden that I had to take care of. So finally, about 11 months in, and after months of being romantically distant and dry, I sent her the breakup email.

I sent it to her right before her trip home to see her family. I didn't want to ruin her trip, but I knew that if I was being dumped, I'd want to be around family to help me. And she didn't have that support here.

And the email detailed how I thought I felt at the time. Which was that I wanted to remain her best friend more than anything. And we did remain friends. As soon as she got back home, we picked up right back where we left off. We no longer kissed, or had sex. But it was otherwise the same. We hung out just as much, did things together, snuggled on the couch. Breaking up made me feel free, and the only way I wanted to celebrate my freedom was by spending time with K. Looking back now, that's a big indicator that maybe I wasn't properly understand how I really felt.

So things maintained, and it was like we were still together. And I thought at this point, that everything was as it should be.

Then, shortly after this, K started dating. She quickly went from dating, to dating regularly, to having a boyfriend. This is where I break down and fall apart. This is where I realize that the only thing mission in our relationship, was passion from me for the girl I had loved. More on that realization in another post. But I quickly realized during this process, that I love K, that I want nothing more in life, than to be with K. I wrote her a very long email, and we talked about things in person, and video chatting.

She listened to everything I said, agree that every point I made was a good, logical point. But at the end of the day, she felt that our relationship started great, but started to fizzle. She wouldn't say if she was in love with me or not in the beginning of our relationship, but she said she wasn't at the end. She was not willing to break up with her new boyfriend and give us a second chance, because she felt that a second chance would change anything between us. I strongly disagree with that, and that's what I want to prove to her some day, with that second chance.

So now where at the point in the story where I'm in a deep depression, the likes of which I have never experienced before, through all the sadness and tragedy I've seen in my life, nothing has ever felt like this. I took what turned out to be a pretty pointless trip to the emergency room. Later my doctor gave me Celexa and Ativan. It's been about a month since I've been on these pills. I'm trying to use the Ativan as little as possible. And I tried weening off the Celexa but I think it's a bit too soon.

As for me and K. During our relationship, we were both AIM users. Once she started seeing someone else, I would always know exactly when they were together, since she would be offline. That was a bit of torture. So I ended up suggesting we get off each other's buddy lists, and lets just email each other, like penpals. I want to try to preserve that special relationship we had. Some days she sends me a nice email, and I feel great, and on top of the world. Some days she's with her bf all day, and I don't get an email. And I feel extremely terrible. Some people have told me to keep trying to get her back and don't give up. Some people have told me to break off all contact and forget about her as fast as I can.

Every action I'm taking is based on the premise that I need to do whatever I possibly can, to get her back. Without hope that one day I'll be able to win her heart again, I don't know what I'd do.

I know very little about their relationship, because the more I know, the more angry and anxious it will make me. So they may be halfway through a short relationship that is turning out to not be a good fit. Or they my be a perfect match and in it for the long haul.

What kills me most of all, is that I had her. I fully had it within my power to put in tons more effort than I did into the relationship, to show her and remind her how much I cared. And instead, I let the whole thing wither and die, because I wasn't sure I felt the way I was supposed to feel.