The Universe Makes No Sense

It's about 10 degrees out. It's a lot warmer inside but it's not 'hot' in here. But I'm still sweating right now. My heart is racing and I'm almost shaking. I didn't just off an exercise bike or something like that. I'm just sitting here, 5 minutes ago perfectly calm, and now I'm falling apart. I'm actually having a hard time seeing. I don't understand how I got here. I don't understand how you can go to living a life filled with so much happiness, to living a live where that happiness is absolutely gone forever. I don't understand how I could mean so little to her, while she meant so much to me, and while I would assume, I used to mean so much to her. I feel like I don't understand anything really. Things finally started to seem like they were kind of getting back on track in my life. Despite the obvious, glaring deep hole she left. The rest of my life seemed to be doing well. I just don't understand why things had to turn out this way. I didn't know what I was doing, so I made some mistakes. But I try to be the best person I can, I feel like if anyone deserved a second chance, I did. But instead, I get nothing. I had finally found what I had been searching for my whole life, and I didn't know what to do with it. She should be marrying me, not him.