A lot of time has passed. It has been about 5 years since I last spoke to K. In a way, it’s almost unbelievable that that much time has passed. Equally surprising is that in all that time, I have not heard a word from her. That is very disappointing.
The depression and associated anxiety have long since passed. Going through that was easily, and by far, the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. As time passes, you sort of forget ‘how’ you felt, but you remember ‘what’ you felt. And painfully slowly, it all fades away. That itself is sad, but it has to be. Through all my suffering, I did an exceptional job of not looking up K online and not looking at her pictures in my photo library. Not out of anger or malice, but as a simple mater of emotional self defense. Recently I felt like looking through her photos on my computer. And just like the other feelings that had faded over time, I remembered *that* I found her attractive, but I had forgotten just how attractive she was. Especially her amazing eyes. It really is such a shame the way things ended, after such an amazing beginning.
A lot has happened in my life during this time. I bought a house. I broke a few bike frames. Tom Brady double the size of his super bowl ring collection. I no longer own a manual vehicle. I’ve had a few other relationships that have come and gone. One of whom had an amazing dog that I miss dearly. But unfortunately for me, all of these other girls have a tough pair of shoes to fill. I know you shouldn’t “compare” a lady friend to your ex. You should judge everyone on their own merits. But it’s hard not to remember the feelings you used to feel. And how those feelings are clearly missing. It’s hard not to think of a ‘normal’ length first date as being unsuccessful, when K & I’s first date lasted 8 hours. I can barely remember how it felt, to feel like the girl I’m with has transformed me into the best possible version of myself. But I do remember *that* I felt that way. And it’s hard to ignore the fact that you don’t feel that way with anyone else (so far*).
These days I have a lot on my plate keeping me busy. The feelings of despair are gone. While I do feel like the math is not on my side, statistically, for essentially “winning the lottery” twice. But I’m hopeful that someday it may happen. Time will keep going on. And on. And on.
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